Don’t get me wrong, I made a lot of mistakes in my life. But if I write them all, a page or two would never be enough for a post. I am pointing this one painful but thankful decision I made, because this has brought me so much of lessons as a mother of I am today!
Back in May 2015, finally I got pregnant! My husband and I are going to be parents after a year in our marriage and 10 years of being together. It was one of the best days of our lives when the doctor confirmed the news and we can’t wait to have him in our arms.
Since I am living abroad, I can only chat my family through Skype, I told my mother about this great news, (she was the first person to know) she was very happy for us. At that time she was sick, I told her she should get well soon so she can take care of her new coming grandson. (Already has 2 grandchildren then from my brother)
Unfortunately, it was the same year she was diagnosed with lymphoma.
While she was going through chemotherapy monthly, I was having my monthly prenatal check-ups. So it was a bitter and sweet situation for the both of us.
Apparently, chemotherapy is not working as months passed by as my father would say, another tumour is coming out after the treatment.
I know in my heart that I needed to take care of her too, I wanted to be with her during her illness. Whilst, the time was going so fast on my pregnancy, my mother’s condition was not doing well.
During my second trimester, I spoke to my husband about where I should give birth as I needed to give decision to my employer to file my maternity leave at work.
Our final decision was to give birth here in Dubai, because if it happen in the Philippines I know that I won’t be able to come back to Dubai with my baby. There are loads of documents that needed to be prepared and we know that our financial situation won’t allow us also. Plus, we don’t know who is going to care of him when I leave and back to work. Although, he can be with us in Dubai after two years, but still unsure. Also, the thought that I won’t be able to take care of my baby while he is still a baby and needs me, was also breaking me.
That decision broke my heart into pieces, because if I go home and spend my maternity leave in the Philippines where my mama is it will give me so much of time with her.
It is one of the harsh reality when you are living and working abroad, you will leave your family back home! And sometimes will lead us into our most difficult situation and toughest choice of our lives.
Fast forward to Dec 2015, I gave birth to my son here in Dubai. I am happy that I am able breastfeed him, that he was in my arms 24/7. That month has past quickly that I even forgot to catch up with my mother. I was overwhelmed with what was happening to my baby, to my new responsibilities, and to my body.
Here’s comes Jan 23 2016, the day my mother passed away! It was hard, I did not expect it! Who would want to perceive that it will happen, anyway! When I saw her condition at the ICU in a hospital for the first time during her sickness all I can say to her was SORRY. I know it won’t be enough and it will never be, and that I am not deserving for her forgiveness because I was not there for her. That I made a mistake and chose not to be with her when she also needed me the most.
It was a bad decision that I made, I can’t fulfill the duty as a daughter just even for that moment. But if there is one thing and I admire her the most is that she would always be a mother first. And I know she understands my decision. That I am forgiven, I hope.
And now that its another year 2018, my baby is now two years old I am happy, my heart as a mom has so much of joy and fulfillment. I was there during his first two years of his life. I am glad that until now I am still breastfeeding him that I am there when he needs me. That I was there when he was sick, and that I can take care of him. I know what his wants and his dislikes. We live in Dubai as family. Most especially he now calls me MAMA! Because, I know this won’t happen if I left him home. That if I make him stay in the Philippines he will just know me via Skype.
Looking back the decision I made more than two years ago, it was a choice I made if I want to become a mother to my son or to fulfill my duty as daughter to my mother for the last time. It hurts me every time I look back that I can’t be both at the same time. And I wouldn’t wish to happen the same to anyone.
It is and still my most regretful decision I made. And every time I remember my mother I will hug my son and just cry my heart out loud. But seeing my son now and how close he is to me and how I embrace motherhood, I’m glad that I made that biggest mistake of my life. And I know in my heart that mama is happy right now in heaven watching my son growing with me. And hopefully I can tell someday that she is proud of me of how I am as a mother.